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the diary of a private school girl

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Take me down 6 underground. [Aug. 9th, 2005|11:59 pm]
the diary of a private school girl
[mood |crankyDirty/Tired/Buzzed/unfocused]
[music |6 Underground:Sneaker Pimps]

I am really dirty. And im wearing this like really hot rolling stones vintage long sleeved tshirt that is impossibly hot, and I really really need to wash my hair, and I was in the car 4 hours today. The lake was amaazing. I had a lot of fun. Swimming in the hot weather, boating, tubing in the Greecian sun. All major pluses. I loved being with my family. Even if we are dysfuncational, they're mine. I love Nicole. I missed her and started laughing out loud to myself on the car ride home when I was checking my messages. My dad was like wow...but I'm sorry when you get a message chronicling the events of a siance in the closet and passions re-runs your know your best friend is like the fucking most funny person to walk the planet. This situation is kind of supposed to drive me nuts? and I think it might eventually. It was nice to get away from it, not to think about it. I am so crazy right now. I decided though, I am SO not going down that path again. Full of second guessing, not knowing. I don't care, I don't care. I am sick of boys telling me very pretty lies. They always claim it's the truth, but no. I am smarter than that. I'm not like a little girl anymore, but I do care. A lot. Brr. Okay time to go drown myself in a tub of ice cold water. Becca and Emily just asked if i was on cocaine (again, seriously.) Love and more love.
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I always catch the clock it's 11:11 [Aug. 3rd, 2005|03:24 pm]
the diary of a private school girl
[mood |stressedstressed]
[music |All The People That You Know]

And then you bring me home. Afraid to find out that you’re alone.

And I don't understand all the things you've seen but I'm slipping inbetween you and your big dreams. It's always you, in my big dreams.

And I was sure you'd follow through, the world was turned so blue. And you'd hide your songs or die. So i'd hide yours with mine. All my words were bound to fail, but I know you won't fail. See I can tell.

I can't hide the fact that I've relied on you like yellow does on blue.

On the right hand she had a tattoo of a nude girl, she claimed it was what god resembled. But on the left she had a mirrored image of the same female and this one she explained, looked like the devil.

Cause it's all been done and it's all been said, we're the coolest kids and we'll take what we can get.

Maybe you're gunna be the one that saves me.

Looks like trouble on a rainy day. Holes uncovered, walls will crumble, all spells trouble on a rainy day.

Everyone's saying different things to me, everyone's saying different things to me.

And from your lips she drew the hallelujah.

Hollywood glamourized my wrath, I'm a young urban physcopath. I incite murder, for your entertainment. Cause I needed the money, what's your excuse? The joke's on you.

And there was hope in me that I could take you there, but damn, you’re so young. Well I don’t think I care.


The neon hurt inside your phone call.




I'm really worried about her. I'm thinking about everything. Above are the lines that mean the most to me, right now. And then you'd bring me home cause we both know what it's like to be alone. I said something last night while I was talking, about a puzzle. About how everything weaves in and out. It made more sense to me than anything has ever made sense. About how sometimes you're like, this is NOT what it said it was going to be on the box, but it is. You have all the right pieces, you just have to find the ones that fit. I think I found a piece of that puzzle.

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Then I'll be Your Lady [Jul. 28th, 2005|04:11 pm]
the diary of a private school girl
[mood |thoughtfultirrred.]
[music |San Fransisco: Vanessa Carlton]

What is amazing? Never knowing my summer would be like this, or feel like I, am indeed, growing up. It's abby's birthday today! Oh  how I love her soo much. I am so protective, and thoughtful, and have so much love for her. I'm going to be seventeen, and summer is at it's midpoint. I don't know where it will go. I have a lot of love for people. The people that I care about, I care hard about. Truth be told, I am soo tied. But we are going to Valleyfair. And somehow I can't find any underwear?? It is really about time I  go to Victoria's Secret. It is also about time I go uniform shopping. Junior, I will be a Junior. Shit son, when'd that happen? Okay I better pack. Love <3

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Fix You [Jul. 25th, 2005|10:29 am]
the diary of a private school girl
[mood |calmcalm]

tears stream down your face

when you lose something you cannot replace

tears stream down your face

tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from your mistakes

tears stream down your face

lights will guide you home

and ignite your bones

and I will try

To fix You.

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I bet you want the goodies [Jul. 24th, 2005|01:05 pm]
the diary of a private school girl
[mood |crazyCrazy]
[music |Goodies: Ciara]

So I'm good, I'm good. Slaphappy Giddy. Coffee?!! A lot. I must shower shittt son.
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(no subject) [Jul. 17th, 2005|09:43 pm]
the diary of a private school girl
[mood |coldcold]

I. want. to. run. away.

So here's the thing. Since no one knows me here, and no one I know will ever come in contact with this journal I will admit it here. I've lost 6 lbs in the past week. I think I have a problem. People tell me I am very small to begin with and I feel like one of those pathetic girls in those lifetime movies, but I never knew what this was like. The obessesion to which this has gone, to the fact that it really consumes a lot of my thoughts and I envy girls who don't think about what they put in their mouths. No matter what, when I look in the mirror, its not so much I am not liking what I see, I am not always hating myself, It's about the control I long for. When things are bad, I want to control it, what I eat and don't eat is one thing I can control.

Within my family, you do not talk about what is wrong with it. I know my parents love me, and don't want me to not "communicate" with them, but when I try, they think I am "being silly."
My Dad has a temper problem. To say that, is a bit of an undertstatement. All my life I have constantly tried to please him, but I guess part of me wants to rebel just a little bit.

He is constantly telling me what is wrong with the way I act. When I was younger, it used to be the way I dressed. My way of control when I was younger was that I would dress more, mature. Little tank tops and skirts got me attention from guys. That used to be my control. Then this year something clicked, and somehow that didn't seem as appealing anymore. More and more I looked to myself trying to figure out what is wrong. I don't remember when or how I started to torment myself about food. I guess when everything started to slip away, I just wanted something to control. Not that anything terrible has happened to me. I feel so selfish, I feel so stupid when I even talk about this, it just has gotten to me so much. I don't even know if anyone will ever read this, I know no one I know will ever read this, my friends have noticed little by little and express concern at times, but now I am exhausted and my heart hurts. I don't know what is wrong with me.
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(no subject) [Jul. 16th, 2005|04:16 pm]
the diary of a private school girl
[mood |contentcontent]
[music |Laguna Beach]

For the moment I am content, and I've had a weird morning. Got up, got lunch at cafe latte, didn't tan in the park like I'd taned but caught Willy Wonka with Emily, but it was kinda weird. I dunno it put me in a bad mood, but now Laguna Beach is on and it's making me super excited and happy and it's making me remember the fall, (the good parts of it of course) and making me excited for THIS fall (mark my words, i'll be eating them and then throwing them up later) I am such a girl of simple pleasures, I'll probably be depressed in like an hour again, because for some reason I've been sad this weekend, but maybe not. I think it's because I'm getting sick, maybe I have mono? Who knows. Ick, I have to work tonight, and I really need like a Soy Latte with extra caffeine ASAP!! As much as I love Laguna Beach, LC is starting to get to me. Ever since I met her at MOA with Talan (who was super nice and invited us to a party), and she was an uber bitch to me and my friends, I just have it coming for her. Yet, I still love her sometimes on TV even if she's an uber uber bitch with yellow hair in real life (Yeah it's diff. piss neon yellow, it looks great on TV) Peace, I need some caffeine.

Oh and the heat's officially 100 degrees folks, AWESOME.
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In his eyes I see the tears. [Jul. 15th, 2005|11:22 pm]
the diary of a private school girl
[mood |soreexhausted and sore]
[music |In Other Words: Ben Kweller]

tonight wasn't anything like i thought it would be. Sometimes I guess it all just falls apart at the most unsual times. Like at the times when you are sure it is fine, and your just caught in your mind, in your world in your thoughts, and that it kind of comes undone. So we ended up on my floor, me crying, and to be honest I haven't cried that hard in front of people since I was younger. But then again, they've seen me cry before, they are the only ones I can cry in front of. After some time we were laughing again, and bringing me back up in the way where I feel like I'm thirteen again, and as complicated as life is, it isn't...that complicated. After everything there are only about three people in the entire world I can cry in front of, who know me, the real me. I know people make assumptions, I know people talk about me, and I'm not trying to say that to be arrogant or stuck up. I know it because I've heard, or people have told me. But little do people know, I am crazy, and I love Star Wars, and I design clothes endlessly, and write stories in a little brown book that I carry around in my purse, or that I am perfectly most content sitting in my living room watching star wars dvds with my two best and oldest friends in the entire world making inside jokes, or making up a language that we have. I miss Emily tonight though, sometimes I feel like a little piece of the puzzle is missing, when she isn't here, or off doing what she finds fun now. I think I need to be more honest now, and this new school year (god as much as I don't want to think a bout school.) I want to be me, fully. I want to be honest. But I can't think of that now. I know that I have people who care about me, deeply, and who need me, and I need them more than anything. It all connects. I am full tonight, of laughter, of tears, of sadness and joy. Jenny would tease me and call this emoness. I guess I am having a bit of a "Perks of Being a Wallflower" moment. I crave freedom, sanity, clarity. I crave and want so much, but tonight I just have the love. Tonight I feel small, like I used to sometimes when I would make myself vunerable. A really little girl, in a really big world.


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You say i'm blind, I think you're wrong [Jul. 15th, 2005|07:24 pm]
the diary of a private school girl
[mood |draineddrained]
[music |Harriet's Got a Song: Ben Kweller]

So Jen and Paula will be here soon, we're going out for a night of fun on the town...if you know what I mean. I am completely and utterly drained though, I have a lot on my mind, but kind of not a lot at the same time. I wish I wasn't tired. I feel like I'm crabby and snappish, and in all honesty i do NOT want to be a diva by any means..I've dealt and dished my fair share of divaness ever since I entered high school and starting running with "that" crowd. It bores me now. It doesn't intrest me. Only my close personal friends intrest me now. I am bored with this scene, but there's not a lot to do to get away from it. Though, I missed it in the mountains. I loved being with myself though, running, being alone, thinking I didn't need anything but my feet and the clothes on my back. The feeling of the sun on my skin, or the complete freedom of swimming almost naked in the river. (Yeah, totally had a Lena moment when I discovered the 2 teenage boys spying on me. But i kept my cool, was like whatever, grabbed my clothes and put my bikini top back on.) Haha I don't freak out about stuff like that, maybe I should. But then again, I love attention. Sometimes I act bitchily when faced with a lot of it, and most people can't admit it, and I probably wouldn't in real life, but I really do love attention. In a completely random thought, I am confused again. K i'll stop, what am i 12? i can't even come to terms with it. I can't! AHHH see I am just crazy, I am immature. I am excited. This has woken me up, and Jenny and Paula are here, and we have no curfew tonight, and OKAY now I'm alright, without even writing everything down. All I need are my sisters.
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(no subject) [Jun. 25th, 2005|02:25 am]
the diary of a private school girl
The StorytellerCollapse )
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